Why You NEED The Newest Knife

Everybody who’s been active in the outdoors for any length of time knows that as a knife ages, it stops being functional. This is true for both individual knives as well as knife designs. Only NEW knives and knife designs are useful, and only they can save your life in the inevitable “survival situations” we all face on a daily basis.

Imagine being caught out in the rain with an old knife. You’d notice the problems immediately; it wouldn’t cut string, it wouldn’t carve wood, and it wouldn’t protect you from the hordes of zombies or other unsavory folk who were out to get you. It wouldn’t matter that you had spent hours perfecting your technique; your skill would be all for naught if your knife was old.

Now imagine that same scenario with a brand new knife. The newer it is, the less skill you’d need, and the more work it would do on it’s own. And if it were a brand new knife design endorsed by someone famous? The zombies would turn and flee and the fire would light itself.

In all seriousness, if you’re not carrying the absolute latest iteration of mankind’s oldest tool, you’re going to die a slow, miserable death starting right now. And so is everyone you know.

Remember, it doesn’t matter if you have any experience or have worked to develop your skills; what matters is if you have the newest knife design.  It’s not the user, it’s the tool.

Note: This post is the first in our new Satire category.

General, Satire

 


 

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Typos, Etc.
Note: Anything that appears to be an error in spelling or grammar is actually the author’s clever use of the vernacular, and as such is not an error, but rather a carefully placed literary device that demonstrates his writing prowess.

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